Put Your "But" in the Right Place
By ZARAH WALPOLE
We all have difficult conversations from time to time -
providing constructive criticism or dealing with angry,
irritated or just plain ornery clients and customers. Knowing
where to put your "but" is one simple but effective
technique for helping to keep the conversation on track
and calm the person you are speaking to.
A "but" erases everything that comes before it.
When people hear a sentence with a "but" in it,
they generally discount everything that comes before the
"but" and believe everything that comes after.
If praise is followed by criticism, the criticism will be
heard and believed but not the praise. It will be as if
only criticism had been doled out.
So, the person who hears: "Overall your work on this
project was terrific BUT I'm a little disappointed with
the results in section B", is likely to focus on the
problem with section B to the exclusion of the great praise
that came before. Restating the comment as "I'm a little
disappointed with the results in section BUT overall your
work on this project was terrific" will lesson the
sting of criticism considerably. In each case, exactly the
same thing is said, but in the second example the negative
and positive comments are likely to be heard. It's a simple
change that can have a big impact.
The power of putting your "but" in the right
place can be intensified by combining it with the "100
+ 1 % principle". The "100 + 1%" principle
says that when you are having a disagreement with someone,
find the one percent of their argument with which you agree
and agree with it one hundred percent. The tricky part to
this technique is that your agreement has to be whole hearted
and genuine - it is no good to pacify with fake agreement.
The advantages of this technique are twofold. First, it
lets the person know that you have really been listening
to them - and we all know how important it is to really
be heard. Second, it changes the dynamic of the disagreement.
You let the person know that although you may not agree
with everything they say, you can still acknowledge areas
of agreement.
How do you combine the "100 + 1%" principle with
effective use of a "but"? When you are having
a disagreement, particularly with someone who is not listening,
defensive or distraught, remember "disagree BUT agree".
First, state where you disagree or cannot budge followed
by a "but" and a genuine statement of your agreement
with at least 1% of their argument or concern.
These techniques aren't intended to help you "win"
every argument. The goal is to decrease defensiveness and
help you and your listener calm down, and hear all of what
is being said so that difficult conversations become a little
easier.
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The above is not intended to constitute
legal advice. Please contact a lawyer to clarify your
legal rights.
